The Worst Birthday Ever
by tanikara kohitsuji
Summary: Wait! Why are you dragging me out of the shower, Shishou! No! I still have shampoo in my hair! Wait... why is there a spotlight? Is that Sasuke and Itachi? What's going on? Gift for Dark one of the light


Tsunade shoved Sakura through the curtain. "Knock 'em dead!"

"Wait! What do you--?!" the pinkette broke off as a spotlight zoomed in to focus on her.

"Aaaaaaaaannnndd, here's the lucky girl now! Everyone, let's give her a warm hand! Tsunade's star apprentice, Sakura Haruno!"

She felt all the blood drain from her face in horror as she saw all of Konoha in front of her. And here, she still had shampoo in her hair.

She clutched the towel a little closer, praying that everything important was covered from prying eyes.

"I love you, Sakura!" some fangirl squealed from the front row.

"Go for it!" Ino shrieked.

Sakura tried to smile but only felt her entire face twitch in annoyance and panic. _FML, _she thought as a trickle of water snaked down her oh so bare shoulder.

"And now, let's see the men who are after her heart tonight!" Jiraiya crowed happily. "First we have Konoha's Green Beast!" A spotlight lit up Rock Lee at the far end of the stage.

"I will show you all the passion of youth, my lovely cherry blossom!" he shouted.

Sakura felt her stomach fall even further into the ground. _FML, FML, FML,_ she repeated the mantra in her head, horrified to the core that her teacher had shoved her out onto a LIVE (how did she know? Because, um, this was her favorite show and it was always live…) television show in nothing more than a towel, fresh from her shower. Actually, her interrupted shower. So she still had shampoo suds in her pink hair.

"Yeah, yeah, sure you will," the Toad Sage said into his microphone, shoving Lee back into his seat. "Next up, we have the Number One Hyperactive Ninja of the Leaf!"

Naruto was illuminated, grinning. "Hey, Sakura-chan!"

_FML, FML…_

"And ROOT's number one artist!"

Sai blinked as the spotlight revealed him. "What am I doing here?" he asked, truly confused.

"Konoha's legendary Akatsuki member!"

Itachi glared out the ground with his Mangekyou. A girl squealed and fainted from joy (or possibly terror). "Still too weak," he muttered.

"And of course, Sakura's number one former heart throb!"

Sakura's expression turned to one of pure terror and… embarrassment. Could she just disappear into the ground right now, never to rise again? Please? When she said she wanted to have a birthday she'd never forget, she did not mean being up for grabs on her favorite dating reality show! Especially not with her former crush, his brother, and her. And with her in nothing more than a very wet, very white towel and soap bubbles!

_Kill me now…_

"Now the rules of our game are simple," Jiraiya explained. "We're going to throw all five of these amazing ninja into the caged ring to our right." A spotlight illuminated said caged fighting area. "And then it's a fight to see which of them can defeat all of the other competitors first and thus win our fair maiden's heart!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd.

"Squash them, Sasuke-kun!"

"Kick that pretty boy to the curb, Naruto!"

"Send them to hell, Itachi!"

"Show them the beauty of art, Sai!"

"Reveal the power of your youth, my beloved Lee!"

_Let… me… die…_

Jiraiya grinned evilly. She had never trusted him. "Now… let the fight… begin!"

Yamato created a cage around the stage as the white-haired Sannin jumped off. With Sakura still inside.

"Um, hello?! Innocent girl still in here!" Sakura shouted, running to the bars, still clutching her towel.

"Oh, we know!" Kakashi assured her, putting away Icha Icha.

"What?!" the pinkette shrieked before she heard a "Die!" and all hell break loose behind her.

"I will save you!" Rock Lee shouted, scooping her up.

"Put me down!" she commanded, panicked.

"Don't touch her!" Naruto yelled, sending Lee flying before catching a flailing Sakura. "Don't worry. I've got you!"

"Look out!" she shouted before ending up in the air again as Sai's ink lion grabbed her towel (thank goodness she had a good hold on it!) and took off with her. "Sai!" she roared, ready to tear him limb from limb. Well… once she got some clothes.

"I will complete the mission objective, Ugly."

"Put me down, you emotionless freak!"

"Your former teammate is quite beautiful," Itachi commented, blocking his younger brother's blows. "Perhaps this will not be a useless victory over you."

"Stay away from her! Sakura loves me!" Sasuke retorted.

"Really? Because the Sannin said _former_ heart throb."

"Hello?! Girl being carried away by evil ink lion!!!!" Sakura shouted.

"I will save you!" Rock Lee announced, leaping up to save her.

The pinkette punched him with a chakra laiden fist, sending him flying to the floor, out cold. "Not you!"

"I'll save you from the freak!" Naruto punched out Sai. The now unconscious artist slumped against the wood pillar he had landed against.

The ink lion dissipated, and she plummeted toward the ground.

"How does this save me!?" she screamed.

"Right…" Naruto said, realizing his error.

Sakura continued to scream as she fell faster and faster. _My neck is going to snap and I'm going to die or be paralyzed for life!_

Sasuke heard her scream and jumped up quickly and caught her, just like he had years ago.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sasuke-k-k-k-k-k-k-kun!" she stammered, turning bright red as she realized that her not really former crush was holding her not really covered body right up against his not so very covered chest. She was going to die of embarrassment now.

He smirked. "Someone's not over me."

"P-p-put me down!"

"You heard her, little brother," Itachi said, throwing several kunai at them.

Sakura shrieked something about watching the towel, and being precious cargo as Sasuke freed up a hand to deflect the weapons with his own kunai. Itachi joined them, starting a midair fight. Sakura ducked out of the way as the brothers exchanged blows.

She slipped a little lower and almost lost her towel as she began to fall again.

"I've got you!" Naruto called.

Itachi unleashed Amaterasu on the blond, forcing him back into a corner.

"Or… I'll just stay here!"

The elder Uchiha created a clone to catch the pinkette. "My apologies," it said. "I did not mean to make you fall."

She flushed. He was a lot like Sasuke… and also holding her in very inappropriate clothing.

"It—it's okay…"

"Stop using Sharingan on her!" Sasuke shouted, attempting to punch Itachi.

"I have done nothing of the sort."

"Get away from her!"

"Hello?! What am I?! Beef jerky!?" she demanded.

A fireball almost grazed her but the clone got her out of the way in time.

"This is insane!"

"I will keep my brother from getting you!" Sasuke and Itachi shouted in unison.

"I could care less which one of you wins!" she shouted. "I just want some freaking clothes!"

"I'll get them!" Itachi said quickly.

"Not if I get them first!" Sasuke retorted before they both blasted a hole in the cage and ran for it.

Sakura hit the floor as the clone dissipated. _Definitely the worst birthday ever_, she decided.

**The End**

**A/N: All right! This is for you, **_**Dark one of the light. **_**I hope it makes you laugh and that you liked it. Total crack but it's fun.**

**Happy birthday, Sakura-chan! I hope you win Sasuke in the end!**


End file.
